It’s been many years in the coming, but at least now, I can recognize the start of a Bad Mental Health Day, Gentle Reader. This often comes on the heels of Impostor Syndrome, or just feeling worthless in general. It starts with anger or malaise, or both. It then builds into hatred of everything I’ve ever done. This means I have to be wary of doing productive things, like writing, or working on academic work. I will go into Destructive Mode. That is, I will delete, slash, and bully any of my projects and not do so with an eye for anything but deleting, slashing, and bullying.
With the recognition of these types of days, I have been able to channel some of my energies into Constructive Mode (rather than Destructive Mode). That usually involves cleaning, so today, I’ve paid bills, cleaned my office, cleaned the bedroom, done a massive amount of laundry, cleaned up email, etc. etc. It’s partly procrastination, I’m sure, but it’s also a buffer against Destructive Mode.
It’s raining outside, and while the rain usually makes me happy, today it has made me stressed and on edge. This, of course, has only contributed even more greatly to my Bad Mental Health Day. I am antsy, and I can’t sit still longer than, really, it takes to write this blog entry.